Tomorrow is my husband’s birthday and I feel this intense amount of gratitude for him on the eve of it. I was an ABSOLUTE hot mess when my husband met me. Like I actually blacked out and threw up all over him on our first date… yeah that kind of hot mess. Somehow all my drunken antics did not scare off this sweet Christian boy from the south. I know that deep down my husband saw the parts of me that still remained under all those slurred words and poor choices. I tested our relationship in the beginning more than I would ever want to remember. As time has passed and my drinking has slowed, I now see how lucky I am that he stuck it out. I don’t think it is easy to be with someone who is as self-destructive as I am. I have read a lot of other blogs who say their husbands never saw their drinking as a problem or who for some did not even support their sobriety. My husband however, is one tough cookie about my sobriety and I am so THANKFUL for that. Before I decided to get sober, there was no getting drunk around my husband unless I wanted to have a full blown debate come morning. (with a hangover, no thank you.) I know that to get sober it has to be for you and not for anyone else but, my sobriety is definitely for US. I truly do not think my marriage would of survived if things kept on down the path they were headed. My husband is an amazing man who deserves someone who has their shit together. I am hopeful that I may finally be a better version for him because, even when I do not see it somehow he does. Tomorrow is my husband’s birthday but tonight, I am thankful.
50 days. Tomorrow is 50 days of being SOBER. Holy heck is this a lot tougher than I ever imagined it would be. Honestly, the first month was the easy part for me. I think the damage of my drinking was still fresh in my memory; now it has turned into a tempting scab that I can’t help but to pick at. I knew the temptation was intensifying and I had to act quick, so I did it. I made the decision to OWN my sobriety! I sent a cute little snapchat to my friends proclaiming, “50 days officially BOOZE FREE”. This may seem silly but, I have not told anyone except my husband about me not drinking. This was huge for me and I instantly realized how accountable I would now be for my sobriety. People now know that I am sober, they will be watching and that is EXACTLY what I needed. I had been doing what I have done my entire life. I was shielding the outside world from my shame in the hopes that I could bury it deep enough before anyone noticed. This shame buried within me was the reason for my alcohol abuse time and time again. I drank to forget what I had been burying and only added to that deep rooted shame. I think sometimes we get caught up in our own stereotypes. I used to think there is no way I had a problem because from the outside I was a professional, yoga loving, health food eating, 20 something. That’s the part I had to get out of my head most of all. I was not EXEMPT from failing. I have a lot of work to do this year but, 50 days in and I am finally owning it. It is crazy how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders by letting the cat out of the bag. I realize now that being vulnerable is OKAY and part of the process. Today I finally made a step towards sobriety.
It is two weeks until I am 27 and 6 weeks of logged sobriety. Why do these two things belong in the same sentence? Perhaps it is because I would of hoped by 27 I may have had my shit together just a wee bit more. Sometimes I wonder if I need to practice a little more self-forgiveness but, then I think; that is the exact mentality that got you here! Maybe what I really need is some accountability for the stinky pile of crap I have created for myself. Every self-help book tells me to just love myself through it but, I think that it is time that love becomes a little more like tough love. I have been through more than I am often willing to admit but, who can say that every day is roses? I have not come to a point where I can say for sure I will never drink again. All I know is that my choice today, is not to drink. When it comes to sobriety I have learned that it is about the daily choice. If you could only hear the daily dialogue I have with myself about drinking, it would probably drive you to pour yourself a glass of something. I think at this point in my life, it is very clear that my ultimate goal Is simple; I want to be proud of who I am. Now don’t get me wrong, I see a lot of good things in myself and I am aware that I deserve a reasonable amount of credit for the life I am currently living. However; the mistakes I have made are still lingering in my current life. I feel like I am constantly on edge about when the next big mistake will be and it is safe to say alcohol has been a contributing factor in nearly every single one. I know what everyone is thinking, problem solved! Just DO NOT DRINK and your life will be rainbows and butterflies. Unfortunately, it is not always that easy. Or wait maybe it is….
I recently realized how little I have been writing and, I am not entirely sure why that is. I think a big part of my life right now is my sobriety which is a tough topic for me to express my authentic feelings about. Mainly that is because I am not sure of my exact thoughts about the whole thing. Do I think giving up alcohol right now is the best thing for me? Absolutely but, do I still have a lingering hope that one day I can enjoy a glass of wine without fear of it turning my life upside down? I most definitely do. I am currently on Probation for a DUI which requires me to be abstinent so, I cannot really take full credit for the 6 weeks of sobriety. However, I have played over in my head multiple ways I can “sneak” a drink in. I think; maybe if I say I am out of town they won’t drug/alcohol test me. At the end of the day and by some miracle, I never give in. I think deep down I know that me sneaking a drink on Probation, is a close comparison to drinking and driving. You know there is a chance you won’t get caught but, the consequences of if you do certainly outweigh the reward. I know most of all, I need to look at this year of required sobriety as a gift because really, it is. I am not sure I would have been able to commit to not drinking unless, I didn’t really have another choice. I know this year will not be an easy one and that each day will come with its own share of struggles. Honestly though, that has been every year of my life that involved alcohol. I guess I am as ready and reluctant as any merlot craving, sober chick can be.